


Letters

by Bitsy, capitalnineteen



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Adult Language, Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barry and Lup will ALWAYS end up together, Break Up, But sometimes they have to do some work to get there, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Emotions, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Happy Ending, Heavy Drinking, Letters, Look - this is two people who love each other very much, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reconciliation, Sad with a Happy Ending, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but have spent more than a decade apart and developed very unhealthy coping mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:47:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 52
Words: 15,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24624205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bitsy/pseuds/Bitsy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/capitalnineteen/pseuds/capitalnineteen
Summary: It had started simply enough. One little fissure, one little crack, and from there, it was spreading faster and faster, the rot setting in. Like stucco cracked after an earthquake, spreading even after the initial tremors had long since passed. One night of a cold shoulder. Two mornings of silence over coffee. Three little bickering arguments that turned into four days of hurt. Five awkward attempts at apologies. Six friends expressing their concerns.Seven birds, two of whom were in agony.(Please do especially note the tag "Angst with a Happy Ending" - this fic is HEAVY ANGST but a Happy Ending IS COMING.)Podfic of the work at https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497904
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup
Comments: 178
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

It had started simply enough. One little fissure, one little crack, and from there, it was spreading faster and faster, the rot setting in. Like stucco cracked after an earthquake, spreading even after the initial tremors had long since passed. One night of a cold shoulder. Two mornings of silence over coffee. Three little bickering arguments that turned into four days of hurt. Five awkward attempts at apologies. Six friends expressing their concerns.

Seven birds, two of whom were in agony.

Lup had enough, one dreary afternoon. It’s a simple extraction. A packed rucksack and a quiet “I’m going to stay with Taako for a bit, Bear.”  
  
And then...well, a bit turned into a lot longer than that. She couldn’t stay and watch the man she loved with all her soul hurt and hurt and hurt...because of her. That was the bottom line, in her mind. If she hadn’t left, all those years ago, none of this would have happened. She was solely responsible for the look of anguish in Barry’s eyes. So. Easiest thing to do would be to remove herself from his presence. No, not easiest, because it felt like her heart was dissolving into dust in her chest, but the _right_ thing to do.

Surgeons remove tumors. Lup removed herself. Barry deserved better than her. That was all. A simple truth, not spoken. Just lived. 

It was nearly three months before they saw each other again, across a table at a restaurant, with the others there. Nervous glances were exchanged, Angus McDonald looked as if he was about to burst into wet, messy tears, Magnus cheerfully bulled forward and pretended nothing was wrong.

A husband and wife who looked anywhere but at each other, as if the world wasn’t falling apart around them.

They parted, the dinner to patch them up instead turning their cracks into a yawning chasm. And now sometimes, across the chasm between them… there are letters.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

Dear Lup,

I guess this is kind of weird. We never wrote letters to each other. I don’t even know if I’ll send this but I saw you in the restaurant tonight and there was so much I wanted to say but couldn’t.

I don’t know if I can write it either.

It’s like those early cycles. When I was so crazy about you I couldn’t speak, when I was so full of things I wanted to tell you and so many reasons to keep quiet. Except now I know what loving you is like. What being loved by you is like. 

And what being without you is like.

I went to buy socks today because, well, I’m not at the house right now. Which I should tell you in case there’s anything you want from there so you know you don’t have to worry about running into me. I’ll just check the mail there in case you want to write something back. Not that you have to. 

Anyway. I went to buy socks and the guy recognized me and had to tell me all about where he was when he heard the song and ~~how our~~ how the part of the song about you and me inspired him to propose. Then he asked about you and I had to smile and say you were spending some time with your brother. 

I wanted to throw the package of socks at his head and yell at him about how saving the world broke us. But of course I didn’t. I paid for the socks I didn’t care about anymore and signed something for him and left.

Did it break us? Were we already broken? 

None of that is what I wanted to say.

I saw you tonight and it was like my heart started beating again. But it also broke. Can it do both at the same time? I’ve had enough anatomy that I should know this. Did you know a broken heart is a real thing? Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is what it’s called. So I guess I do know it can do both.

You’re gorgeous, Lup. You know this. Heartrendingly beautiful. (It’s all about the heart, isn’t it? Not all, though, I promise.) But you’ve lost weight. You and Taako in the same house, two of the best chefs in existence, and you’ve lost weight. Please take care of yourself, Lup.

I miss you. Nothing feels real unless I tell you. I talked to you all the time ~~when we~~ ~~during the~~ while I was a lich. It’s not the same.

-Barry


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

Hey, Bluejeans. You still are the biggest sap on this plane.

I'm fine. Losing a few pounds is nothing. You shoulda seen me when I was on the caravans with Taako, we were sticks. But...okay, I'll try to eat more. Nag.

You don't have to stay away from the house, though. That's your house, and I don't like the idea of you out there somewhere strange. I mean, okay, yeah, it's not great being alone there, I get that, but please, make sure you're somewhere safe, okay? Do that for me.

Fuck, Barry. I feel broken. I feel so broken and I'm entirely the fuck out of Fantasy Gorilla Glue.

I just...right now you deserve better than the dishes I'm serving, y'know? You deserve somebody who knows what the fuck is going on in her own head, and who isn't just a goddamn mess. There, okay, fine, I said it, I'm a mess and there's no fixing it, Bear. Okay? You have a chance to get somewhere good in your life, you don't need ~~a dumb bitch who got herself caught in her own fucking umbrella~~ me hanging off you like a millstone, dragging you down.

And you would know about literal heartbreak, you nerd. Get your nose out of a textbook for once.

Lup.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

[The letter is crumpled and stained with something that is vaguely red and smells like fermented cough syrup.]

L-

The house wasn’t mine, it was ours. I can’t be there ~~knowing that you~~ _[There is more but it’s too heavily crossed out to read.]_

I’m somewhere safe. Kept me safe enough for almost a decade. Not much of a view but what did I ever need with a view?

I have to protest the “deserve better” because I think the more appropriate way to phrase it was that I never deserved what I had in the first place. I should have known it was a limited time offer.

If you want to blame someone then blame me for not figuring out where the fuck you were. Or for not yanking it out of Taako’s hands and smashing it the moment I did. Or for any of the other ways I let you down. 

And if you want to talk about a mess, at least you didn’t get sent home by Kravitz, or Mr. as he pointed out, “You are forcing me to say this as an emissary of the Raven Queen” for “being an embarrassment to the job” because you “smelled of corn chips and Fantasy Red Bull.”

Easy for him to fucking say, his body is a construct and he doesn’t need to sleep or have nightmares.

_[Included is an industrial size bottle of Fantasy Kraz-E-Glu]_

-SHBJB


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

Sildar,

Okay I know you've been drinking because you N E V E R put those two initials in front of the last three, so knock it off, dorkus malorkus. And hey, at least you weren't grounded by Bird Mama for being, uuuuuuuh, how'd she put it? Oh yeah. 

**We're goth, but we're not this goth. Go home and get your head on straight, my reaper.**

Like...fuck! I'm so depressed that the Goddess of Death doesn't want me around. Fuckin'....I didn't know that was a life-goal until it happened. So tally that notch on your bedpost, Sildar.

And fuck off with the literal glue, you suck. I know I goof a lot but that wasn't funny.

...Sorry, that was harsh. Uh. No, you know what? I'm not crossing that out. I meant it and I said it.

I can't, Barry. I can't be what you need. Not now. Maybe not ever again. Look, if I hadn't had gone off on my own in the first fucking place, then maybe Lucretia wouldn't have had to separate everyone. I was the asshole, I made a big mistake, and now you're miserable because I fucking shattered when I was trapped.

Fuck. This is all my fault. Every second since we landed on this plane and got the light and made the relics. My fault. Okay? Fuck off with your self-blame, it was me.

Just....I want to know you're safe. That's all I want. 

-L


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

[The following letter is written in a wavering hand without any capitalization.]

l-

did you see that fucking article about us? holy fucking pan on a cracker. where did they get that information? there was a fucking song everyone heard with all the details fed to the damn fish and yet they wholecloth made shit up. i called the guy. he didn’t believe it was me. i wanted to go down there and pull his teeth out through his _[The handwriting is impossible to read from this point but goes on for several lines before tapering off.]_

i never drank much back when we were traveling. too much to do, too much relying on us. what’s on the line now? sometimes i have to go read fantasy miranda rights to some spooky dudes before taking them to the astral plane’s version of san quentin. not exactly tricky after what we’ve been through. and the people of this plane love to give the birds gifts; a lot of time that’s alcohol. not gonna let it go to waste. sue me. take me to fuckin drunk court. i’d represent myself but i **_can’t pass a bar._ **

we didn’t talk about forever after this shit was done, did we? i’m not saying i chose wrong but i didn’t fucking think about this part.

but at least you don’t need a wine cellar when your whole fuckin deal is a cellar, eh?

-bird #7


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

Fantasy Christ on a Pogo Stick, you're out of your mind.

Okay, let's address some shit here because I am not gonna let it stand.

1.) You are not dead last on the list of Birds. Lucretia and Merle are at LEAST two steps below you so you should rank yourself at five. Maybe four if Davenport refuses to be ranked. So jot that down.

B.) That article was fuckin garbo and we already dealt with it. Or, rather, we showed it to Magnus and he went to the QUOTE "JOURNALIST'S" UNQUOTE house with the raging flaming poisoning sword of doom and had a few words with him, so don't sweat it.

NEXT) You goddamn well better pass the bar. And the liquor stores. And the fuckin fantasy Piggly Wiggly. STOP. DRINKING. _I'm_ not drinking. Fuck, Barry. Elves metabolize liquor much easier than humans and I don't want to explain to Kravitz that you died of a stupid human disease.

Seriously, please stop drinking. I can't stand to see you like this. You're...fuck, Barry, you have the sharpest scientific mind in the entire multiverse, don't do this. Please. I adore your mind, and I don't want to see you throw it away with both hands.

I...I can't talk about forever. Not right now, not when the present is so fucking awful. Barry....

You're killing yourself and I can't stand around and watch it happen. Please.

Lup.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_[A flyer advertising a roofing company is left in the mailbox with the following written on the back of it in shaky block letters.]_

GUESS WHAT, LOVE? YOU DON’T HAVE TO SEE ME LIKE THIS. FUCKING BEAUTY OF THE SITUATION RIGHT THERE, HUH?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Taako

_[A spell tries to deliver a message to Barry, this time in Taako's handwriting.]_

BAROLD YOU DINGUS STOP DRINKING YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN'T HOLD YOUR LIQUOR FUCK


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AutoReply To Taako

_[A spell chimes in response.]_

The target destination was unavailable for reception. There may have been an antimagic interruption, wards against such communication, or some other problem. If you believe this message to be incorrect, please try your spell again or contact Fantasy Verizon Department of Magical Sending, Monday through Friday, between the hours of 9 am and 6 pm. 

_[Recording Spell Ends]_


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

_[Letter left in the mailbox as usual, about a week after the last note]_

Barry, please. Please tell me you're okay. If this is all we have left, then fine.

But I can't live in a world where you're just gone.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_[This letter is in careful, neat handwriting on clean, immaculately folded paper in an envelope with a wax seal.]_

Sweetheart, try it for ten years.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

_ [There's a long, long gap between that letter and this one, at least three weeks.] _

Hey.

Guess what?

I fucking did.

At least you could be out in the world and deal with shit. I was trapped in a curtained room for a decade while my family suffered.

So, hey, at least we're both in the same boat.

This is gonna be my last letter. It's done. 

Bye, Barold.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [A sheet of paper with the following scrawled on it is left in the mailbox with no salutation or signature.] _

You didn’t though. You said yourself you weren’t aware for a lot of that time. And then? You knew where everyone was. You  _ heard _ shit. It wasn’t great but you knew.

I didn’t know anything. For all I was aware you were gone forever. 

Guess you are now.

Don’t read this. Don’t respond. I’ve been down this road before. Suppose I’ll settle in and be sure this is how it is now instead of wondering for a decade.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [Another note is left in the mailbox a week later.] _

Guess I’m still writing. Who fucking knows why. 

I recorded coins to you during those years. I didn’t think I’d ever get to give them to you and I guess I was right. But it made me feel like you were still real. Maybe that’s what this is now.

Maybe I should stop. Maybe this is worse. I don’t fucking know anymore. I don’t think it  _ gets _ worse. It sure ain’t getting better.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [Yet another note is left after a month of nothing from either sender.] _

You want to forget I exist? Cut me out? Go ahead. You did it. 

But fucking sending  _ her _ here? To look stern and judge me and play  _ Benevolent Leader? _

Low blow. Never would have pegged you for it.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [And another note is a few days later.] _

Holy Fucking Flying Spaghetti Monster In Roller Skates

Are you just fucking going down your goddamned Fantasy Roladex? Merle showed up with his fucking troop of adventure children like it was a fucking museum tour. That kid of his dumped my favorite bottle. Prestidigitation may clean it but it never stops smelling of Fantasy Jack Daniel’s in here.

Guess I’ll set a glass out for Davenport next. Kravitz made sure to let me know he was back in port soon.

If you don’t want to talk, fine. But stop sending others to check up on me. I’m doing my job. What more do you want?


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Magnus

_ [This letter from Magnus is delivered to Taako and Kravitz’s home a few days after the last letter was left at the empty home Lup and Barry briefly shared.] _

Hey Lup,

Barry is coming with me back to Ravens Roost. I told him I needed some help and… Fuck, Lup. I don’t want to make you feel bad but when I said that? The guy fucking lit up like a Candlenights Bush. I think we were going about this all wrong. Acting like he was a child who had to be checked up on? Made it worse.

When I got Johann (Dog Johann of course) he was so small. He fit in my pocket. He was found alone too young and I had to feed him every couple hours and let him sleep with me, scared I’d squish him if I fell asleep. But after everything that happened was over? I needed so badly to be needed. And Johann needed me.

That’s Barry. He always needed to be needed. And we all needed him for so long. It didn’t matter that we forgot him or were awful to him. We still needed him and, for him, that was enough.

Barry was like the fucking light. Or the relics. He needed to be needed. Craveability but different. All that time, being needed is what held him together. 

And then he wasn’t needed by anyone.

I’m not saying it’s on you. But we all owed him better. 

-Magnus


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Magnus, From Lup

Maggie,

Thank you. Thank you. I love you so much, Magnus. Thank you for going to him. 

I fucked up so bad. A decade ago and six months ago. I never should have left him alone but I didn't know how to say how I'd failed. Fuck. I failed our entire family, and now I'm less than useless as I just....wallow in my own stupid decisions. I love you all so much, and I love Barry more than I love breath. But I've failed so many times.

Magnus...tell him I still love him. Tell him he's better off without me.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Magnus

Hey Lup,

So turns out Barry’s a pretty good carpenter, actually. I guess over the years he multiclassed almost everything, though, didn’t he? He says he doesn’t have the eye for the finer details but the man can hand turn a set of chair legs and have them come out perfectly matched without seeming to try very hard. There’s already a list of people interested in his stuff.

But he’s been talking about leaving before the snow hits. I think he’s figured out the plan. But he’s not had anything to drink the whole time he’s been here.

I can’t get him to say where he’s gonna go, though. I fuckin  promise it won’t be back to that cave at least. I guess Taako probably told you we took care of that. He _is_ a transmutation specialist, after all.

Just giving you a heads up in case he goes to the house and you’re using it or something. 

Take care, Lup. And maybe you can come stay soon.

-M


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

_ [Mail into and out of Ravens Roost is sporadic and this response to Magnus’s letter arrives weeks after it was sent, well after Barry left.] _

Barry.

Barry please. Please don't leave me.

I was wrong. I was stupid. I don’t want us to be over.

Barry, I need you, please don't leave me.

Oh god, I'm such an idiot. Please. I can't.

-L


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_[The following letter was sent the day after Magnus’s letter to Lup and weeks before hers reached Ravens Roost. It was sent to Taako and Kravitz’s home instead of left in the mailbox at the empty house.]_

Lup,

I’m sending this directly to Taako’s rather than leaving it in ~~our~~ the mailbox at the house. I’m sending this directly to you because I’d gone to stay with Magnus for a bit. But don’t worry, I’m leaving there now and won’t write to you directly again.

Anyway, after all those terrible things I wrote, I hope you will forgive one more letter from me. 

Because I need to apologize. I did the thing I never wanted to do. I made you my goal like you were some kind of prize I was going to win. That wasn’t fair. Acting like a child who didn’t get what he wanted was even less fair.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it. I’m sorry for all the awful things I sent. I’m sorry for how I behaved to everyone but mostly, of course, for how I acted towards you.

I guess you were right to go stay with Taako. We were both hurting so much I don’t know if we could have helped each other. I like to think so but… we’ve learned the hard way that we can’t change the past.

Lup, you _are_ a treasure. But that doesn’t mean you’re some object to be won. You are smart and beautiful and funny and amazing and you _survived_ because you are **so fucking strong**. I know you don’t feel that way now but it’s true. I acted like I had it worse but it’s not true. I had the benefit of blaming someone else for a while. You spent the whole time blaming yourself. 

But blame is a game no one wins. You’ve got to let it go and forgive yourself. (You’re under no obligation to forgive me, though. This is about what I owe you. You owe me nothing.)

I just want you to be happy. I’m sorry if I made that harder. I was so angry for so long. But never at _you._ Honestly, Lup. I know it seemed that way but I was just so…I was so angry with myself and what happened and it bled out all over everything and came out at you. I… 

This is awful and I’m sorry but… while I wasn’t angry at you… I think maybe I figured if it was already broken then I needed to jump up and down on the pieces to get it through my head that it wasn’t gonna be fixed. 

Anyway. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry my broken got splashed on you. You deserve better and I hope you find it. I want happiness for you. I just selfishly hoped I could be the one to give it to you.

Take care of yourself, Lup.

Love always,

-Barry


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

_[Realizing her letter to him in Ravens Roost was not received, Lup sends this to the mailbox in front of Lup and Barry’s empty home. She doesn’t repeat her pleas for him to come back to her. That letter of his is pretty clear and final, and she has some shred of dignity left.]_

Barry,

Darling man. I was the one who left in the first place. If I hadn't, none of this would have happened. If I had just talked to you back then, like an adult, rational person should, we might have spent that decade together. Ignorant of where we started probably, but together.

~~Gods, I'm glad you went to stay with Magnus, glad you've stopped drinking~~

I was never angry at you, honey. I am angry at myself. And you say I should forgive myself, but...how can I? So it's easy for me to say _'I forgive you'_ and then turn around and still hate myself, so I guess I'm a hypocrite on top of all my other sins. 'Hypocrisy is woven of a fine, small thread,' after all. And mine, you could use to tether the Starblaster to the top of Neverwinter castle.

I keep telling you, I want you to be happy, too. And I know that happiness will come in time. But...since I'm the one to blame for everything? How could I possibly make anybody happy? Let alone the most amazing, talented, kind, loving man ever to exist? (That would be you, Bear.)

If you jumped up and down on the pieces, I'm the one who set them on fire afterward.

Look, I don’t want you to be alone right now. Could you go stay with Davenport? Or Avi? Or Killian and Carey? Somebody in our family, please. Don't be alone.

My soul, be kind to yourself.

-Lup.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

Lup,

I guess you realized I was back in the area since you left that letter for me at the house. I don’t want to crowd you and I can go elsewhere if you like. But I guess it’s time to start… moving on or at least stop _not_ moving on. Something like that.

I’ll give you an address when I have one ~~if you want it~~ in case you need it.

~~I’d like to~~

~~If you could let me~~

~~Could you~~

If it’s okay I’d like to schedule a time I can get a few things out of the house. You can let me know via Taako or Magnus if you’d prefer.

And if you’d rather I picked somewhere further from Neverwinter, maybe pass that along as well. Otherwise I will start looking for a place. I can’t impose on our friends forever. 

_[Above the signature, several lines are too heavily crossed out to read]_

-Barry


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

B-

~~ don't take your things please don't that makes it final ~~

Um, I mean, honestly, most of my things are already here at Taako's, so whenever you want to go is fine by me. Guess it doesn’t really matter. Should we put it up for sale? We can split the proceeds. Or, you can have it all, I don't really need anything right now and if you're getting a new place...

~~ I want to see you again don't go please ~~

~~ i fucked up so badly how do we fix this ~~

But yeah, I don't mind if you stay in Neverwinter. I mean, you could get a job teaching again, if you wanted. You were always such a good teacher.

~~ come home to me ~~

-L


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Magnus

_ [The following letter arrives for Barry from Ravens Roost.] _

Barry,

This arrived for you after you left. 

Hope things are going better. Feel free to come stay again anytime, okay? It was a pleasure having you here and I’m not the only one who’d be glad to see you again.

-Magnus

_ [Included with this note is the letter that Lup sent Barry there that he missed when he returned to Neverwinter, the one begging him not to leave her.] _


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_[After seeing the desperate note from Lup, Barry wants to respond. But things have been said between them since she sent it, things that imply her feelings in that note were temporary. This is his response without directly referencing it.]_

Love,

I sat in Magnus’s spare bedroom for weeks listening to the wind blow and wishing, wishing, wishing that _[words are marked out too heavily to read.]_

He’s a good man, our Magnus. Hard to believe our baby-faced brother has started gathering grey, has a history we missed, has loved and lost and did it all while we didn’t even know.

Lup, I don’t know how the hell he does it.

I asked him how he coped with it. ~~His answer~~

~~I thought I’d felt~~

When he answered me? Lup, I think my chest cracked open and whatever was still left inside just fell to the floor. 

That’s when I knew I had to go, had to start making whatever the fuck this new ‘life’ is supposed to be. Because after I could breathe again? After I recovered from his words shattering me? For a moment, I was so fucking angry I wanted to shake him, scream at him, do something, anything to… I don’t know.

I didn’t. Of course I didn’t. It makes him feel better and I’ll not be the one who takes that from anyone.

But the worst part was that he looked at me and smiled and said, “You understand.”

I stood up and I shook my head and I almost, _almost_ said, “No. I don’t. Because Julia didn’t _leave_ you.”

So here it is, Lup. The thing I’ve tried to accept.

You left.

You can’t forgive yourself for leaving back then? To go hide your relic? Lup, I never blamed you for that. I _knew_ it was about the relic. Of course I did. It vanished the same time you did. You left a note and the unfulfilled promise of it hurt but I always knew something else kept you gone. I guess it was easier to believe back then, though. Taako was still there and you’d never leave him.

But there was no ‘back soon’ this time. For weeks I stayed in that house and waited. I went to that fucking cave and waited. And gods help me, I went to Ravens Roost? And I _waited._

I came back here and told myself I was done waiting. You said sell the house, you said be a teacher and I read ‘stop waiting for me, make a new life.’

**_But._ **

Magnus said “I’ll see her again. And in the meantime I have to be the man she’d want me to be.”

And godsdammit, he was right. I do understand.

I can’t stop, Lup.

I meant it when I said forever.

I’ll never stop waiting for you.

And in the meantime I have to be the man you’d want me to be.

-B  
 _[Below the signature is an address with the post script, “I’ll stop checking the mailbox at the house, but here’s where I’ll be in case you need to contact me.”]_


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Taako

_ [This letter arrives at Barry's new place about a month after Barry left his last letter. It's from Taako.] _

Barold,

She'd kill me if she knew I was doing this but fuck it this fuckin' sucks and I'm tired of it.

Lup's in therapy. She's going once a week. The therapist is great, tiefling gal named Nanda, specializes in grief counseling. I fucking  _ made _ Lup go and hey, surprise, she didn't fight me on it, which yeah says it all, don't it?

You're still my brother. Okay? Non-negotiable. The ol' T to the double A K O is still your brother. Don't even gag on it, you know it's fine.

She's working on getting somewhere. IDK what you said in your last letter to her but it fuckin'...sorry, no, that's too much, she really would kill me if I told you. She needs to say it, not me.

Don't give up, Bluejeans. Okay? Because without you, my sister is a shell of who she is, and she's my HEART walking around without my permission, so yeah.

Fuck this is too emotional, cha'boy's gonna go eat ice cream with his Chilly Boyfriend™ and pretend everything is good.

~T


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Taako, From Barry

Taako,

Couldn’t give up if I wanted to. And -  _ fuck me, I guess _ \- but I don’t want to.

I’m glad Lup has you. Thanks for helping her. I wish to fuck it could have been me that helped but I’m just glad someone was able to, was  _ allowed _ to.

Your brother,

-Barold


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Kravitz

_ [This letter arrives two weeks after Taako's. This one is from Kravitz. It has old fashioned, formal formatting including full titles, addresses, and seals.] _

Barry J. Bluejeans, Reaper for the Raven Queen,

I hope this letter finds you well. It has been quite some time since I've written correspondence, so forgive any archaic language.

The Raven Queen requests an audience with you as soon as possible. We have discovered something startling in the astral plane and believe that your experience would be invaluable on the matter and in finding a solution.

I do realize this is a delicate subject, but The Raven Queen also wishes to summon Lup. How shall we make this comfortable for all parties involved?

Please reply by return of post.

~Kravitz, Emissary and Reaper for the Raven Queen


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Kravitz, From Barry

Kravitz,

Lup and I worked together long before all this and always agreed we’d figure out a way to continue to work together if things didn’t work out.

I can’t speak for her but I will do my part to hold to my promises.

All of them.

-Barry

PS: We share a fucking office, Krav, you could have left this on my desk instead of having it wax sealed and delivered by a pair of ravens. Were you this extra before Taako or is he rubbing off on you?

PPS: Gotta admit having them make me sign for it was kinda funny though.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

_[This letter arrives shortly after Kravitz's, and is from Lup.]_

So, did you also get a letter from Kravitz about this spooky thing on the Astral Plane? Because my nerd senses are tingling and I think Bird Mom wants to lecture us about something. I wonder what it could be? 

Um. Hi. I know I've been silent, but, well. Okay, out with it, here goes...

I'm in therapy.

And I've been just processing a lot of things and I didn't know how to do that and keep you in the loop ~~oh gods pun absolutely not intended shut up I can HEAR you snickering~~ and, uh. Yeah, I guess I still suck at multitasking.

Barry, when you said you'd wait for me, I think it just broke whatever little bit of me that wasn't broken. Started from the top and now we're here, you know? But it also made me realize that just pretending I was alright wasn't working. 

Maybe....and hear me out a little on this okay? But maybe it's an option you should look into as well? Because I've come to realize that therapy isn't to fix what's broken. It's to learn. It's to learn how to care for yourself in ways that so many people think is automatic. It's not. It's a learning tool, and I'm really starting to get that, deep down.

And I know how much you like learning.

I will always love you, even if I don't deserve...fuck, no, okay, that was the kind of language Nanda says I'm to avoid. I'm not crossing it out, I'm letting it stand. Try again, take two.

I will always love you. Sometimes I feel like your loyalty is the only thing keeping me going. I want to learn how to do that as well. I want to be the kind of person that loyalty comes naturally to, after learning the habit.

See? Therapy fuckin' rocks.

I love you, Barry Bluejeans. 

~Lup


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

Lup,

Um. Yeah. They tell us something is happening on the Astral Plane that needs both of us but it’s not urgent and they can send letters and wait for responses and schedule meetings? _Not subtle_.

But while RQ cares, and I appreciate that, and while she _is_ an ancient and all powerful goddess, I’m pretty sure she thinks getting us in the same room will magically break the curse or whatever she thinks the issue is. So, just smile and nod, and deal for ten minutes or so and she’ll realize it’s more complicated and find some job to pretend was important enough to summon us and let us go.

I’m glad therapy is helping you. It took me a few therapists to find someone who seemed to understand my goals. 

[There is a large space between the final line and the signature as if to leave room for something that ultimately was omitted.]

Yours,

-Barry


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

Bear,

Oh thank the gods, I'm so glad to hear that. Istus' tits, I was worried about you when you were drinking so much.

Okay. Word vomit done. 

Listen, if they call us in together, I'll give you as much distance or whatever that you need. I'm not certain what I need just yet, but, eh. I promise I won't just throw myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness.

I'm not ready to ask for that yet. I think I will be someday soon. They're going to build statues to your patience, Barold.

Guess I'll see you at the Raven Queen's throne.

...Fuck that sounded metal! 

Lup.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

It was good to see you.

-b


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

You too. Nice haircut.

-l


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [Five weeks later.] _

So.

I’m not sure how to say this because it feels like it’s saying more than it is. I guess I’ll just preface it with this warning and then say it.

I’m giving up the apartment. I thought you should know in case you wanted to write. Because, well, I’m not going to have a place for you to write to.

I talked to Morgan - that’s the therapist I was seeing before I ‘graduated’ (ha, does that give me another degree?) and he thinks this is a good idea for a lot of reasons.

I’m sure you know Davenport has been back for a bit. Well, he’s leaving again soon and he invited me to come with him on the Wavehumper (fuck, that  _ name! _ ) and I’m going to do it.

Anyway. 

Take Care.

Okay?

-Barry


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

_ [This time, the letter is dropped into his lap by a raven. It's not from Kravitz.] _

That...sounds amazing. I'm kinda jealous. You're gonna get all tan and rugged living your pirate life on the high seas.

Be gentle with yourself. I'll do the same.

Take care.

~L


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [Postcard with a vintage image of two old men in old timey bathing suits that cover them elbow to knee. They are posing humorously beneath a sign that says “Catch Of The Day.” Under the images someone has labeled one as “Davenport” and one as “Barold” though clearly they are not those two men.] _

Was there a meeting I missed? I don’t have raven messengers.

-B


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [A note included in a package with an art book titled Lost and Found: Mixed Media Art made with Discarded Items. The note is tucked into the book beside an image of an enormous sculpture of a bird in flight. The caption explains that the piece was created with items collected after a shipwreck.] _

Maybe a bit on the nose ~~but~~ ~~ this made me think of us. ~~ Sometimes you see the wreck. Sometimes you see the bird.

-B


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [A postcard showing a beach scene at late sunset, light reflecting on the waves, bonfire on the beach.] _

Can’t help but think of Cycle 21. Tell Taako I’m still holding him to his words.

-B


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [A small package with a necklace made of beach glass. A short note is included.] _

Hey, this was too pretty not to buy. And who else could I send it to?

-B


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Barry

_ [A printed photograph used as a postcard. The image shows a large ship docked at a pier. On the bow, the name, “Wavehumper”, is unfortunately visible.] _

Seriously. Who named this fuckin’ thing. Davenport claims it was him but it smells like THB to me.

-B


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Barry, From Lup

_ [A postcard from Neverwinter's museum district. It depicts Castle Neverwinter as it stood 200 years ago. It's pretty radically different to how it stands today. It arrives via raven messenger to Davenport’s boat.] _

Barold, I am digging into this plane's history and there is some  _ wild _ stuff. Can't wait to tell you when you come home. (PS. Taako and Magnus swear it was Davenport. Merle says he came up with it.)

~L


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Lup, From Davenport

_ [A letter with a handwritten note says ‘Is this for someone at this residence?’ The street number on the address of the letter is obscured by a dark stain. It has obviously taken several missteps in being delivered.] _

Lup,

I kinda thought by now it’d be the three of us out here on this thing. After everything, it seemed we had the most in common. You and Barry and me. We were the ones who were there but  _ not. _ So when I got the Wavehumper, I made sure it had extra room. I just pictured us three here somehow.

Barry is… well, he’s Barry. He reads a lot. Watches the waves. We fish. Talk. Drink beer. He always has precisely one and no more. He never wavers in this and that fact alone makes me feel like it needs mentioning. Was there a thing? I know I missed a lot those first months.

Well, I missed a lot before that, too.

He doesn’t say much about it. About you. The guy was always pretty good at holding his tongue on that subject, though. A bit  too good if you ask me. 

Lup, I have to say, if there’s a piece of advice I can offer? It’s not to hold your tongue about the good things. If your words disappear on the bad things, so be it. But when the good ones go? 

Anyway. I hope this finds you well. I miss you, girl.

~~ Captain ~~

-Andrew Davenport


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Davenport, From Lup

_ [Another raven, this time it goes to Davenport.] _

I thought it would be the three of us too, Cap'n. 

But I messed up and I'm still trying to fix it. 

I miss you too. Andrew. ...I'm sorry, no, nope, nuh uh, that's like calling my dad by his first name. I can't.

Anyway. I'm not holding my tongue with the good things. I'm giving him space and myself space while I get myself right.

Tell him I said hi. And, uh, if it's not too awkward, give him a hug for me.

~L

PS: Yeah, unfortunately there was a thing. I'm glad to hear he's sticking to that one beer.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unsent...

_ [This is an obvious first draft written in fits and starts. At times the handwriting is rushed, other times precise, sometimes in pencil, sometimes in pen. The paper is heavily creased, showing signs it has been folded and refolded many times. It is in Barry’s pocket, unsent.] _

~~Lup~~ ,

~~Babe~~ ,

~~Sweetheart~~ ,

Lup,

It’s different on this ship than  ~~ our sh ~~ The Starblaster. There was always a feeling of motion on the Starbaster but this thing is so  _ obvious _ about it. Sometimes it’s comforting and sometimes it’s just fucking annoying.

~~ I’ve tried to write but since your postcard  ~~

I’m sorry it’s taken so long to respond.  ~~It certainly isn’t because you haven’t been on my mind~~. Hell, by the time I put this in the post it will be even longer because it’s harder than ever to put my thoughts on paper.

~~ What did you mean by ‘home’ Lup? ~~

~~You wrote ‘home’ and it probably meant nothing but~~   


~~ I don’t know where home is anymore but ~~

Davenport is talking about checking in on Merle. I guess that’s a good end point for this little sea vacation I’ve been on but I don’t know if I’m ready to try and settle somewhere.  ~~I kept thinking that the next time I stayed in one place again it would be with you~~.

I know that you probably just meant ‘home’ as in … the place _you_ live. _[The sentence is underlined and ??? written beside it.]_ ~~But Lup, you have to know what it does to me to see that~~.

_ [There’s a huge space then in a rushed scrawl at the bottom there’s something that seems to not be part of the letter but instead two columns of data.] _

**_[Column with “No” at top, ten items listed, though eight of them are essentially one thing]_ **

-said in 2nd pre-RQ letter she wasn’t ready to ask forgiveness. 

-hasn’t 

-fucking

-said

-she

-wants

-to

-fix

-this

-see addendum, Barry J. Bluejeans, monumental idiot who is making a pro/con list and obsessing over one word in a postcard like a fool  


**_[Column with “Yes” at top, four items listed, though the last one is blank]_ **

-“home”

-letter Magnus forwarded

-“I love you, Barry Bluejeans” in pre RQ letter

-


	48. Chapter 48

It’s a quiet night, that night at sea. There’s not a cloud in the sky, not a single portent to read. The only sound is the constant susurration of water sluicing against the hull of the Wavehumper. Davenport is dozing at the helm, confident that in these calm waters, he can afford to relax his vigilance. Of course, that peace has to be shattered, exists to be shattered. 

As Barry is bent over at the table on deck, working on his drafted letter, a portal from the astral plane opens, and Kravitz appears. He's in full reaper mode, face half skeletal, and he's been spattered with blood.

"Barry, there's been an incident. Lup's injured."

Barry’s blood turns to ice. 

Some part of him has been waiting for this. Is  _ always _ waiting for this. For well over a hundred years there’s been a piece of him certain this sort of news was about to be delivered. He’s  _ had _ news like this delivered. Sometimes worse.

It. Never. Gets. Easier.

He’s crossing the deck of the boat towards the portal even before Davenport is calling, “Go! Go! Call my stone as soon as…”

Barry’s through the portal before Dav can finish.

_ She’s a lich, _ he reminds himself.  _ And a reaper. She’ll be fine.  _ **_She’s Fine._ **

His heart isn’t listening.

\----

Neverwinter Hospital employs some of the best clerics in Faerun. But there are some ailments that are so nasty, some poisons that are so potent, that even magic cannot fix them.

Silverpoint is one of those poisons.

Silverpoint has a less lethal cousin, Mother's Worry. Sure, it isn't as immediately and irreversibly fatal, but a blade coated with the stuff...well, nasty things can happen if not treated promptly.

So there's a bustle of activity around one room in particular, doctors speaking directions and nurses scurrying to obey, clerics standing by with Cleanse spells and the like.

Lup has been stabbed in the stomach with a blade coated in poison. At least this time it wasn't in her back.

With only a minor concern for witnesses, Kravitz has torn open a portal into a small waiting room. Fortunately, there’s only one witness and this particular person has seen him do this trick many, many times.

Taako’s worried face snaps up to look at them and the three men meet in an awkward but intense hug. 

“Nothing yet,” Taako says when they break apart. 

Kravitz wraps his arm around his boyfriend and rubs his shoulder comfortingly. “She’s very strong,” Kravitz murmurs. “She’s been through worse.”

The door opens and a nurse steps in. She glances at the three men - an elf, a human, and a terrifying half skeleton still holding a scythe in his free hand. Obviously she’s seen a lot in her many years because after only a moment to take in the scene, she asks, “I have some paperwork to go over with the next of kin for…” 

She pauses and examines her clipboard before raising one eyebrow and finishes, “...Lup. Which of you is…?”

Barry opens his mouth but closes it again. Taako is her next of kin. He doesn’t know what he is anymore.

Taako, however, steps forward and takes Barry’s arm. “We are. Brother and husband,” he explains, pointing helpfully as if it might be the other way around with Lup being an elf. 

"It's just a formality," says the nurse, as soothingly as possible. "We just need someone to sign the admissions paperwork, give us some other information..."

And then she stops. And her eyes get a little bigger.

"Oh.  _ Lup _ ...you're the Seven Birds! Oh, dear Brigantia!"

Kravitz is the one to gently take the clipboard and the pen, and hand them to Barry. The nurse has a funny look on her face now, as if  _ she _ shouldn't be the one dealing with them, but rather somebody much higher up on the ladder.

Barry accepts the responsibility gratefully, not that it designates him as an official next of kin. But Taako is useless with specifics and Barry, after all, is quite accustomed to filling out forms and writing out her address. Plus, it’s something to focus on besides what is happening somewhere else in this hospital. Something to think about besides the fact that the last time he saw her face was on the Astral Plane.

But even bureaucracy has a limit and one enormous stack of forms later, he finds it when he finishes the paperwork and has nothing else to do.

Merle arrives a short time later. “Dav called. He’s letting Maggie know, too. Any word?”

Barry can only shake his head. “Thank you for coming, Merle.”

The dwarf pats Barry’s hand with his wooden one. The sight reminds Barry of how much they’ve all been through. How much more do they have to pay? Weren’t they due their happy endings by now?

About an hour or so after they arrive, a doctor comes into the waiting room. He's tall and competent and kind, and he glances around the room. Magnus has arrived, and so has Lucretia. She's keeping her distance, naturally, but she's there. 

So is Angus McDonald, who's sitting on a bench looking grim-faced and refusing to cry.

The doctor looks at all the assembled humans, elves, reapers, dwarves, and nods a little.

"Excuse me, but is there anybody here named Barry?"


	49. Chapter 49

Barry steps forward, heart in his throat. His hands are shaking.

“Yes,” he says, voice tight. “I’m Barry.”

The doctor’s eyebrow shoots up as recognition hits but that’s the only sign the man knows who they are. If Barry weren’t so concerned he might admire him for not scanning the rest of the room once he realizes who he’s dealing with.

"Ah, good. May I speak with you in the hall? If you don't mind?"

Taako bristles, but Kravitz puts a hand on his shoulder. It might not mean anything bad per se, but asking to speak to the spouse of the patient in private wasn't great, either. Angus looks gutted at the implications too, and Lucretia sits down slowly, as if recovering from a great shock. 

Lup has only been back in her corporeal form for two years, it isn't fair!

As the doctor steps into the hall with Barry, he makes sure they won't be overheard.

"The surgery is finished. We've managed to stitch up the worst of the slashing damage. But the poison is still working through her system. She's responding to treatment, but she's delirious. Keeps calling your name. We think if you're in there with her, it might help calm her down and let the antidote work faster."

“I… I can go in?”

The doctor nods. “Indeed. We believe it will help.”

“Her brother is here too, can he-”

The doctor is shaking his head. “Just you for now. She’s still in critical condition and being closely monitored.”

Barry nods. He is anxious to go to her but pauses one moment. He knows what Lup’s wishes would be. “Let me just let him know.”

“Alright, and then I’ll take you to her.”

Barry ducks back inside and moves to Taako. “She’s responding to treatment,” he says, opening with the most positive piece of news. The next bit he phrases gently, “It’s going to take some time, though. She’s not aware of anything at the moment.

“They want me to come in for a bit. I’ll come get you the second she’s awake,” he promises. “And, I’ll, uh,” He’s not sure how to handle the situation. 

“Just go,” Taako says. “She needs you.”

Barry can’t reply to this statement. Instead he just hugs Taako tightly and then rushes back out of the waiting room to follow the doctor to  _ her _ . 

Lup is not sure exactly what's going on. She knows she hurts, and that's about it.

No, the only thing that she can sense with any real clarity is that she needs Barry. Why isn't he here? Where's Barry?

She's mumbling his name over and over, occasionally yelling it. It should be easy to hear, even from outside her room. The cleric monitoring the antivenom's path through her system is frowning at her obvious delirium, but there's no counter for it now. The poison has to run its course.

"Barry....Barry, I need Barry,  _ please _ ...Barry!"

As Barry and the doctor approach, the cleric blocks his view of her. But he hears her.

He hears Lup. 

Lup, saying his name. 

Lup, in pain. 

Lup, sounding scared,  _ saying his name, _ and his heart breaks. 

He’s spent months painstakingly putting it back together, trying to make it a place she’d want to call home again some day. And just that quickly it feels shattered. 

The doctor’s hand on his shoulder is the only thing that stops him from pushing past both of them and going to her.

“She’s burning through the sedative we gave her for the surgery and that’s a good sign. Hopefully, she’ll burn through the poison just as quickly. But she’s had extensive injuries and the way the poison works, we can’t use healing spells until the poison is out of her system. She has to work it out on her own. We need her calm for that to happen and I’d rather not give her any more sedatives.”

Barry is pulling away but the doctor holds him another moment. “You can hold her hand but…” he pauses and the look he gives Barry is full of pity.

“Talk to her,” the cleric speaks up, her voice soft and kind. “That will help,” she says, giving Barry something to cling to.

He nods and is released. 

Lup is so small in the hospital bed. He never thinks of her as small. Everything about her is so big. Her mind and her power and her personality… all of them so enormous they make her the focal point in every situation.

But now she is tiny, swathed in white: bandages and gown and sheets all snow white against her skin and obscuring so much of her.

“I’m here, Lup,” he says. The words climb out of his throat like broken glass.

He moves to her bedside and finds her hand, wraps it in both of his own. “I’m right here.”

Her expression melts from agony to relief as she feels his touch, hears his voice.

"Barry..." she whispers, eyes fluttering as if she wants to open them. Her skin is hot, but not sweaty. 

She floats, dreaming/thinking of him, hearing his voice and being soothed. It's as if something in her has eased just by the simple act of him taking her hand.

The doctor nods as he reads her vitals.

"Heart rate dropping back to normal. Good, that's good. Keep talking to her, please."

Talk to her? 

Barry J. Bluejeans has spent more than two thirds of his life talking to this woman. He’s talked to her as a coworker. He’s talked to her as a friend. He’s talked to her as a lover and partner and soulmate. He’s talked to her as a ghost and a coin and as a memory and an idea.

But as a grievously wounded estranged spouse? For a moment, it's a step too far for him. He falters, afraid.

Her eyebrows pull together and a machine beeps warningly.

She needs him. No matter what else has happened in the past. No matter what else might happen in the future. Right now, she needs him. 

And so, as Barry does any time he is needed, he steps up.

“Hey, Lup,” he says, his voice trembling slightly. “I have to tell you, babe, I’m not sure this look suits you. I mean… the gown might be backless but…”

He has to raise one of his hands from covering hers to wipe his eyes, knocking his glasses crooked. And then, instead of soothing his tears it only starts them harder because it reminds him of the beach year when she’d caught his glasses. 

“Lup, I know you’re a lich and all but… you’re not allowed to do this, okay? Absolutely forbidden. I’ll go get signatures from everyone else agreeing with me on this. You know Taako will call in lawyers and everything. So, if you’re even entertaining the idea…”

He’s trying to keep things light and calm and cheerful even while tears roll down his cheeks in thick tracks. 

“Fuck, Lup, I’ve  _ missed _ you.”

That machinery's beeping mutes out after a while, or at least becomes less noticeable. And the more Barry talks, the easier her breathing gets, the slower her pulse. Even with his grief, it's  _ him _ and he's  _ here _ and she's fucking  _ healed by his very presence _ okay?

It's hard to say how long this lasts. Hours? Maybe. To her it feels like interminable months, years of this poison squeezing the breath out of her. But then...eventually...

Her eyes flutter open. 

"...You're here," she whispers, unable to look away.

Lup’s voice startles him into silence. He’s been keeping up a litany of words, an endless string of anything he could think to say. He’s staring at her fingers wrapped in his. Her hands always seemed to fit with his so perfectly even with their contrasting sizes. From the first moment her fingers threaded with his he’d been sure they belonged there.

Her whisper ricochets through him and his head snaps up to meet her eyes.

Her  _ open _ eyes.

“You’re awake,” he says, stunned. Time has passed, he knows, he’s aware. But time had long ago become meaningless to them when they were together. He slides his hand over hers comfortingly. 

“Hey,” he says, aiming for conversational and falling far, far short of the mark. “You’re… awake,” he repeats, sounding dazed.

_ Taako, _ he thinks.  _ She needs Taako. _ He should have gotten him before now, especially once she’d calmed enough to stop calling his name.

“I’ll get Taako for you,” he promises, and starts to pull his hand back.

She grabs on tighter and refuses to let him go away.

"Not yet. Give it a minute."

Her voice is still weak and wavery, and she's still a little warm, but she's coherent enough to hold on to him.

"Stay with me."

Her eyes flick to the doctor and the cleric, and then back to her Barry.

"Doctor? Can we have a minute alone please?"

Without a word, the doctor and the cleric slip out of the room, leaving her alone with Barry for the first time in nearly a year and a half. He's  _ touching her _ for the first time in nearly a year and a half. And everything that she is, and was, is screaming in relief, in joy, in terror that he won't want to ever touch her again after this.

"I'm sorry," she finally whispers. "Please. Forgive me for leaving. I want to  _ fix _ this."

“Lup, shhh, it…” He pulls in a breath. She’s delirious. That’s what the doctor had said. “It’s okay, Lup. Everything is okay and you’re going to be fine.”

He bends over their linked hands and squeezes his eyes shut. Delirious or not, she’s doing better, he knows it. The heat isn’t baking off her anymore. Her restless movements have stopped. Her eyes are open and she’s speaking sentences even if she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Sending a wordless thank you to the Raven Queen and Istus and Pan and anyone else who might have had a hand in nudging her this little bit further from that abyss, he can’t stop himself from kissing her fingers.

“You’re going to be fine, Lup.”

That little kiss to her fingers makes a machine beep somewhere, as her heart rate spikes just a touch. It's hard to move, she feels heavy and dessicated all at once, like somebody scraped out her insides and replaced them with concrete. So she can't return the favor, other than squeeze back a little harder.

"I've missed you so much," she says, and it's not born from fever or poison or delirium. "God, Barry, I've been so stupid. I love you so much."

It's easy to say because it's the truth. She knows her therapist would chide her gently for the 'stupid' language, but in the moment she doesn't really care.

“Shhh, shhh, no, love, no. Please don’t.”

If his heart rate were being tracked it would baffle doctors. He can feel it surge and race and stop and hammer and the blood through his veins seems to be on a roller coaster.

He’s struggling to seem calm, wanting to project it onto her so she is calm and her body can spend all its energy fighting the poison, so she can get through this and prove yet again what a fighter she is.

“Don’t worry about any of that.” He’s not going to hold her to any of this. He tells himself this, tries to convince his wayward heart and blood that it would be unfair to take her words as more than delirium. “I just want you well, okay? That’s all you need to worry about.”

"Stay with me. Come home with me."

She's starting to get a little dozy and drowsy again, but her eyes, for all that they're going a little unfocused, are still trained on him. Her hand is slipping slightly, loosening as she starts to slip back under again. Her stomach feels like it's on fire all of the sudden. This is just her body's natural reaction to trauma, not drugs.

"Be with me again. Please...I n-need y-...you."

He can see she’s sliding back under again and it frees his tongue.

“Anything, Lup. Anything you want. Just get better, okay? Just get through this and… whatever you want, I’ll do it.”

...And she's out.

The doctor quietly slips back in, and starts checking her vitals again, nodding to himself.

"I think she's going to be okay. We’ll need to keep an eye on her for a while but I think the worst has passed. She’s worked a lot of the poison out of her system and we’ll be able to use healing spells soon. Are you feeling alright yourself, sir? Can we get you anything? A cup of coffee, or some water?"

“I’m fine,” Barry answers, sounding anything but fine. “I just need to go let her brother know.”

“I’ve been giving him updates,” the doctor promises. “But of course he’s anxious to hear it from you.”

Instantly Barry feels remorse. Taako must be beside himself. Their whole life Taako and Lup had each other and after that decade apart her twin must be terrified.

“Um, how long do you think the delirium might last? Is it a side effect of the poison?”

"The worst of the effects should be past, now," the doctor says kindly. "From here it's a matter of her regaining strength. If she wakes up hungry tomorrow, we'll know she's out of the woods. Mother's Worry is one of those poisons that has some lasting effect on the lungs, so we'll keep an eye on that as well."

He guides Barry back out to the waiting room, where the rest of the family is waiting. Taako leaps to his feet first, and practically body-slams Barry.

"Is she okay? Did she wake up? Is she awake now? Barry, how's my sister?"

“She’s gonna be fine, Taako” Barry promises. “She was sorta awake for a few seconds but I don’t think she knew what was going on.” He wipes a hand over his face, feels the rough stubble that has begun to show on his cheeks. It feels like a million years passed waiting for her to wake up. 

He takes a deep breath. “But her color is better and just being near her I could tell her fever had improved. She’s calm enough to actually rest now, I think.”

He’s exhausted somehow. The worry has burned through him hard. Her eyes looking at him with that intensity he’d never thought he’d see again… it’s wrecked him. He feels like he’s run a marathon while carrying Magnus. 

Kravitz has come up behind him as he and Barry have talked and Taako sags back against his boyfriend. 

Barry turns to the rest of the group in the room. There are so many eyes watching him, waiting for news.

“She’s doing better,” he tells them. “The worst is over. They’ll keep monitoring her but she’s actually resting now.”

He scans the room. There’s so many concerned faces, so many people who love her and care about her well being.

_ She’s going to be okay, _ he reminds himself. 

But everyone watching him is too much. He can sense how many of them are anxious to come ask for more details. 

He can’t face it. He needs to process what just happened. It’s probably safe for him to go. When she actually wakes up, she’ll want Taako.


	50. Chapter 50

Catching Kravitz’s eye, he flicks his gaze towards the door. Krav nods minutely and Barry slips out.

He knows he doesn’t have to explain where he’s going to Kravitz. Since they joined the Raven Queen’s service, she’s able to find them in most places. If there’s news, Kravitz will be able to find him. He heads down halls at random until he finds a secluded corridor. Summoning his scythe, he uses it to tear open a portal. He’s been loath to use it for mundane traveling purposes but this feels like a good excuse to rely on the option.

Barry steps through the portal and exits into the home he and Lup shared so briefly.

It's been a while since anybody has set foot in here. The furniture is covered with sheeting, the kitchen appliances turned off and disconnected, the natural gas oven cold and useless.

But there are touches here and there that show that, while Lup may have offered to sell the place for his benefit, to give him the gold he might need, that was only a half-hearted effort. 

Touches like a picture of them, layered with dust, still hanging on the wall. Touches like a chest at the foot of their bed, closed but with the corner of a blanket peeking out of it, as if she'd been here and put all their bedding away, but did it in a rush. Touches like a single magically preserved flower, in a crystal cut vase, still blooming on her nightstand, and the novel she'd been reading before she'd just walked away, open and face down. A spare pair of his glasses, left in the bathroom cabinet in their little velveteen case.

All around him, is the evidence of _them_ . Not just her, not just him, but the detritus of _them_ , carefully preserved and maintained just in case. Just in case...

In some ways, it’s terrible to see. Those first few months they’d thrown themselves into the happily ever after that this was supposed to be. They’d bought the place, picked furniture, painted, hung pictures, and… as the rush and focus of building their home had come to an end, the cracks had become more evident. 

They’d spent those months building a stage to play out their roles as Happy Couple. Saviors of the Worlds. Two of the Seven Birds. 

But by the time the stage was set, neither of them had the ability to act anymore. He probably should have thanked her for being the one able to admit the roles had gotten too large for them. 

Yet, for all the dust and failure coating the place, there’s still goodness and hope. He remembers painting the living room with her, laughing and splattering each other. Remembers making love in that bed before they’d even managed to put sheets on it for the first time. Remembers being wound up with her on blankets in the floor even before that, the first night after the house was theirs.

She’d told him he could sell it but how could he? He was no more ready to give up on the promise and hope that they’d built this home on than he was ready to give up on her, on _them._

He walks through the empty rooms, unsure why he came.

Twenty minutes later he knows. It was the most empty, secluded place imaginable.

Barry opens the back door, stumbles out onto the deck, and collapses on the steps there as the tears hit him, finally breaking down far from witnesses. _Or so he’d thought._

There's the sound of a throat clearing, and then a gentle _clack clack,_ the sound of two knitting needles dancing through yarn.

Istus. And her never ending scarf.

Istus' yarn is the very fabric of reality itself, and tonight's pattern is one of bringing together two halves, of joining different skeins.

"Hello, Sildar Hallwinter Barry Jerold Bluejeans."

She's smiling, and her tone is soft, and wow, she's really making an effort to be here, usually she's confined to her temples or sometimes on the Astral Plane. But she’s here. On the back deck of the house that was supposed to be for him and Lup.

Barry startles upright, shocked.

“I… er…” He’s not sure how to deal with this. He’s more accustomed than most to being in the presence of a goddess. He works for one, after all.

But he’s never seen one make house calls. 

“Hi?” he manages at last. “I… um. Hello?”

"Hello."

She never stops knitting, even as she makes eye contact with him. The skeins of wool start blending together, making a color that's more than the sum of its parts, with a tiny golden thread woven through both.

"You're grieving," she says simply. "Do you not trust me?"

He’s completely bewildered by her words. 

“I… don’t understand.”

His eyes drop from hers to the piece trailing out below her ever moving needles. The movement is fascinating but the tangle of threads is completely hypnotizing. 

There’s a pattern there but he can’t understand it. He tears his eyes away from it and looks up at her again. “What do you mean?”

He’s so confused. He’d thought speaking with the Raven Queen was bewildering.

There's something about her eyes that's not quite solid, not quite real. Oh, sure, they're lovely, but there's some part of her that's simply _elsewhere._ The Astral Plane, perhaps.

"Fate is a many layered thing," is her baffling answer at first, and again her knitting needles fly. "Yes, I can guide, but your actions also can change the warp, the weft of my work. Why do you think I'm so close with my love, the Raven Queen? Fate and Death can be considered one and the same, sometimes. But in my guiding, in my creation, I find sometimes that a stitch will surprise even me. 

"So _imagine_ my surprise when my knots started unraveling, about a year and a half ago. You, Barry, are tied so firmly into the fate of this plane that your actions can make even _me_ drop a stitch. You and your whole family. When things start to unravel, I find the cause, and work to heal the breach.

"I ask you again. Do you trust me?"

Everything she’s saying is… _too much._

“I…” 

_He_ has affected… ? Okay, yes, the seven of them had changed big things but...

“Trust you?” What is he supposed to _trust_ her with? He knows who she is, what she does. But everything she’s saying goes against his understanding of the world. He might work for a goddess but he spent his life as a scientist. Somehow he’s never felt the friction between those two things before now. He’s had this dichotomy in him for as long as he can remember. Sure he’d been healed by holy power, but that didn’t mean he expected Pan to show up for dinner.

Barry has been standing at the steps, clutching the bannister. Now he slides down to sit on the steps and leans back against the railing. 

She’s on their deck, knitting away, still watching him. He pulls his glasses off and rubs the heels of his palms into his eyes. The whole day makes no sense. He’s tempted to believe he’s still on Davenport’s boat. Certainly he’s asleep on the deck of the Wavehumper, suffering from sunstroke. 

But even with eyes closed, red stars dancing in the darkness as he presses against his eyes, he can hear the crickets in the yard as twilight takes over. Hears the constant gentle clack of her knitting needles working.

Pulling his glasses back on he looks at her. “Lady Istus, I don’t…” He spreads his hands, gesturing first at the piece she’s made, the complicated arrangements of threads, then up to her needles and to her and then wider to encompass the house and the yard and finally his arms are stretched out because how is he supposed to believe that his life makes any difference now that the Hunger has been defeated. 

His hands drop to his lap and his shoulders slump. There have been times he’s felt defeated, felt incapable of the road stretching out before him. But even when he _knew_ it affected all the planar systems, he’d been too focused on his family to think of everything else in the balance. Now, once again, he’s been focused on his family - on _Lup_ \- and she’s saying he’s still affecting the greater scheme?

“I’m trying,” he says, though he doesn’t exactly mean it in answer to her question. “Lady Istus, I’m trying. So hard. I _am_ .” Failing his family, failing _Lup,_ is hard enough. How is he supposed to deal with knowing that by extension he’s failing the whole planar system?

It’s not enough. It’s never enough. _He’s_ never enough.

"I know you’re trying, dear one."

 _Click clack click clack._ The colors are now starting to lighten, go from navy and olive to teal and spring green. And still, all throughout, is that thread of gold.

"Barry Bluejeans, the strongest and most determined of the Seven Birds. Strongest, carrying so much on his shoulders. Filled with a love so powerful that it changed Fate itself. Loving so much, but that Love went hand in hand with its sister Grief, for too many years. Grief unhealed is Love denied."

She pauses in her knitting. The crickets fall silent, the world slows, the stars stop twinkling and instead just shine steadily, like little chips of diamond. She has paused this moment in time just for him, to let him see just what it was he has accomplished, and what he still has to do.

And her knitting is suddenly all around him, a blanket, a cocoon, a wild and grasping thing that’s inevitable and inexorable. You cannot resent a path for being a path. You can follow it, or not, but it simply is. And Fate’s knitting is a path. This path settles under Barry’s feet and leads him along.  
  
A knot. A line. A path. A stitch.  
  
A knot. A woman who still won’t give up that Stately Gravitas™, wrapping her persona around her like a cloak, benevolence now her new watchword, trying to ignore those natural inclinations that tell her she’s _right_. Going to her brother, that she so grievously wounded, trying to find that spark in him that will let them reconcile, to give him something to occupy his brilliant mind.

This knot isn’t just undone, it’s forcefully yanked apart. Istus sighs, and realizes that should have been expected.

A line. Merle and his children, wanting to see their brave Uncle Barry, that cool ass lich guy who tells the dumbest uncle jokes and always has a good magic trick up his sleeve. The Peacemaker doing his job, trying to give his friend the peace he needs to get out of this hole he’s dug for himself. Concern...turned away, turned into a sardonic joke.

This time the unravelling makes a certain goddess cuss out loud and yank on her yarn.  
  
A path. Magnus, finally seeing that there’s a way to get through to the man he considers the best of them, the smartest and strongest and, yes, bravest. Magnus, the Protector, stepping in and protecting Barry from self-destruction with three simple words: _I need you._

One stitch, Lup writing that frantic letter, begging him not to go. And the twisting of a stitch as the letter missed him. _Grief unhealed is Love denied._ Lup’s grief is so great that it’s shattering not only her, but a goddess’s work. The stitch unravels with a small grunt of frustration from its knitter. Her letter finally reaches him. A hesitant letter arrives from him. Lup goes to therapy, after that.

And then the path moves into the present, showing his salt-rimmed days at sea with Davenport. The Wordless One. Content to let Barry hold his peace, he keeps his own counsel, until he breaks enough to write Lup a letter, a letter full of gentle and kind advice.

And then...well, something changes. Something profound. This path isn’t just strung behind him anymore, the path moves forward, and forward further still, and that inexorable feeling hits again.

The path branches. And then branches upon branches, and then splitting again like an amoeba in all infinite variety. But there’s a main fork ahead of Barry now, and Istus stands in between them. No knitting, this time. Just standing in front of him, hands spread, one hand gesturing to either path.  
  
 _This is the bifurcation_ , he hears in his head. _This is now. This is what you need to see._  
  
He’s swiftly thrust down the left hand path.

On this path? He and Lup never reconcile. The Birds are torn, loyalties divided. Stand with their sister? Or their brother? How to possibly choose? Arguments begin. Silences linger too long. Taako goes first, wandering off toward Goldcliff, leaving his own sister behind. She lets him go, another casualty of her self-loathing. Magnus throws himself back into adventuring. And. Well. He’s alone. It ends the way you’d expect, with Magnus rushing in alone. Davenport figures out how to recreate their path back to Twosun, and takes it, never to be heard from again. Merle takes his children and stops writing, eventually. Angus McDonald, the child of no parents, but still their child all the same, slowly realizing that his family simply _isn’t_ anymore, and throwing himself back into his dangerous work. Kravitz, the grim reaper, comes to the very abrupt conclusion that his friends are headed for the stockade and this time there’s no pardon coming. Lucretia...well. She’s back to her old habit of writing everything down and trying to _fix_ it all. If she still had access to a voidfish, or maybe a similar memory modifying spell, she could force them to…

And then another threat. Another world-ending, plane-shattering threat.

The Seven Scattered Birds can do nothing but watch helplessly as...

And Barry finds himself back at that fork in the road.

_Now. Will you choose that path? Or not? It is not too late to mend the stitches, the knots, the lines, the path. Barry Bluejeans, this is where you must make a leap of faith. I have shown you one path. You must choose the other sight-unseen. It won’t be perfect. It will hurt, sometimes. But..._

They are back on his porch. The crickets are still silent, the stars still motionless, and Istus smiles softly at him.

"My dear Barry, you're as precious to me as you are to your beloved Lup. I watch you and I smile, because you are _amazing_. These last few purls...sorry, years, they cannot be undone. But you will mend. I know you've been through so much. Trust in me. Take that leap of faith."

Barry opens his mouth to repeat that he _does. not. understand._

But then he does. Looking through the lens of Istus’s infinite weaving, Barry finally understands how hard he has fought those connections. He sees himself not just rebuff every kind offer and gesture, but often, in those early months of their separation, do it with anger and spite.

His family had tried to offer him kindness, patience, and a hand to move forward, but all he’d seen was judgement and condescension.

Again and again Istus has tried to reconnect their threads. And he’s done nothing but fight it. 

“Don’t you trust me?” she’d asked. And even here, even now, even after all he’d thought he’d learned, he’d told her he didn’t understand. 

He bows his head in shame. He understands now. He understands very well.

Like his friends trying to help him just the way he’d tried to help them and they hadn’t seen, had pretty much fought him until there was no other option. 

And like the crossed out words in Lup’s letters. Or like Lup’s ‘delirium’ at the hospital. 

Leap of faith. Leap _into_ faith.

He’s trusted them all, trusted them again and again and again to any ends.

Except when it came to him. 

They’d come to him and tried to help and he’d resented them, disbelieved they were there to help, only thought they were on some errand from Lup.

The intentional misunderstanding of crossed out words in Lup’s letters. The things that he’d forced himself to ignore because she couldn’t mean that, obviously didn’t if it was lined through. But of course she did. _Of_ ** _course_** _she did._

And her ‘delirium’ when she’d spoken at the hospital, when she’d _begged_ him for forgiveness and another chance.

The thing he’d wanted so much - another chance with Lup - and he’d told himself it was a side effect, an accident, unintentional, and refused, absolutely refused to believe it could be true.

And all that time he’d been so torn apart that Lup hadn’t trusted him to help her put herself back together.

But when had he trusted her to do the same for him?

“I’m a fool,” he says. He looks back at Istus, grateful tears in his eyes. “I know what I need to do.”

 _“There_ it is.”

The knitting starts back up again, and the crickets continue their song, and the stars twinkle as brightly as ever. And Istus is _smiling._


	51. Chapter 51

For the second time in an hour, he pulls out his scythe and opens a portal. This time when he steps out he’s in Taako’s apartment.

It has been more than a year and a half since he’s been there. He is careful not to disturb anything in the main rooms. 

Lup would be in the hospital for a few more days. Would probably be asleep, her body healing, for the next six to eight hours. But he’ll get some of her belongings for her, clothes and books and things to make her more comfortable. And when she wakes up he’ll  _ talk _ to her. No more letters. No more holding himself back.

He has work to do.  _ They _ have work to do. Together.

Istus stays on their porch for just a moment longer, her hands leaving the needles which continue to dance on their own. She puts the flat of her hand on the mantle above the back door, and it shines for just a moment.

"Go to her. She's ready now. And who knows what else Fate may have in store for you?"

The knitting needles sounded almost like...the rhythm of a lullabye. A mobile hanging over a crib, tinny, soothing music coming from inside.

"Go, Barry. If my love the Raven Queen hadn't already claimed you? I would have. Never forget that."

And then she is gone.

In the guest room of Taako’s home, where Lup has lived for the last year and a half, Barry Bluejeans looks around and feels the love swell in him. He hadn’t been here, hadn’t visited, had barely laid eyes on Lup much less her brother or their home.

But he had still been here. He’s  _ everywhere. _ The postcards he’d sent her are pinned to the wall. He can see the book he’d sent her sitting by the chair at the window. The picture of the two of them, the one that had stood on their dresser in the Starblaster for at least thirty years, is on her dresser here. The letters he’d sent are on the nightstand in a little pile.

All this time he’d thought she’d come here and erased every trace of him but she’s  _ surrounded _ herself with him.

When he came here his intention had just been to get a few things to bring to her in the hospital. 

But now? 

Now his plan changes. He’ll get his things from the Wavehumper. He’ll get her things from here. He’ll put their clothes and books and  _ lives _ back in their home. Then when she’s out of the hospital and comes home? It will be to their home, it will be with their things in place, welcoming them back.

No, not back.  _ Forward. _ Welcoming them to the life they will really build together instead of just trying to cobble the old pieces back together into a whole.   
  
  


\---

Taako is seated by her bed, and now he's the one holding her hand. She hasn't been aware that time has passed, but last time she was awake it was Barry. She’s really happy to see her twin, though.

"Hey, Ko."

"Hey, Lu. You look like shit."

"Yeah, you get stabbed by a poison necromancer and tell me how good you look."

Takko grimaces. " _ Poison _ Necromancer? Fuck, overkill or what?"

Lup huffs a laugh, which turns into a wince as she feels the newly-stitched skin across her stomach protest. Yeah, that one is gonna smart for a bit.

"Don't make me laugh right now, dingus, or I'll literally bust a gut. Hey, um...where's Barry?"

Taako, who never really got good at hiding his emotional signals via ear movements, feels his ears flatten against his skull.

"Uh...he dipped out a few hours ago. Didn't even say goodbye, he just bounced."

Oh.

Something fragile she'd been feeling in her chest, like a new green sprout in spring, withers. Well, she shouldn't be surprised. She's the one who left, after all. She's the one who'd said she wasn't ready. Only now she  _ is _ ready, and apparently has missed her chance.

Maybe she could write him a letter again? Maybe he'd read it. Maybe.

\---

Barry sails into the hospital a much different man than the one who’d left. Davenport is by his side, a balloon bouquet clutched in his fist.

“Sir! Sir! You can’t have that in here!” A nurse calls. “Balloons and flowers are not permitted in the Critical Care Unit!”

Davenport grins and lifts an eyebrow. The balloons turn to butterflies, appear to scatter, then settle back into balloons again.

“Oh,” the nurse says, a hesitant smile on her face. “Okay, then.”

Davenport nods his head and hurries to catch up to Barry who’d been far too single minded to be slowed. 

He arrives at Lup’s room and pushes open the door. He’s sure Taako will be inside and there are probably limits on visitors but if he’s ever been ready to take advantage of being one of the Seven Birds, then by all the gods, now is the time. 

“Hi, Lup!” he greets her. And he moves up to the side of the bed across from Taako (who has stood up to aim a stunned look at him) and bends to drop a kiss on Lup’s (equally stunned) forehead.

“You look absolutely amazing, sweetheart,” he tells her, punctuating it with a wide grin.

Just then, Davenport trails in with his illusory balloons. He lets them go as he comes into her view. The balloons rise towards the ceiling then shatter into multicolored butterflies to fly around the room while he beams an enormous smile at her.

Taako and Lup have the same expression on their faces: Stunned disbelief. And then Lup's expression blossoms into an enormous, glowing smile. 

Davenport's balloons are impressive.

That smile on Barry's face, though? That is a miracle that she'll never take for granted again. She pulls a face at him, but there’s a hesitant joy sneaking into her eyes.

"Nice try, Bluejeans, but I know I look like I got hit by a train. Fuckin' poison necromancers."

“Oh, you’ve looked  _ healthier, _ I’ll grant you that. But I will accept no arguments to the solid, stone cold fact that you look absolutely fantastic.” 

Taako slides back into the chair, but then pops right back up to let Barry take it if he wants.

"Thought you, uh, split Barold?" Taako asks, trying to come at it sideways instead of running into it headlong.

He glances at Taako briefly, the quick flicker of his eyes all he can manage before his gaze returns to the woman who is still his wife, the woman who still wears his ring, the woman who even now has a necklace around her throat made of beach glass that he sent when he couldn’t stop himself.

“Lup was sleeping,” he tells Taako. “You needed a turn at her side, and I had things to take care of.”

Then he speaks to Lup, and if there’s a flicker of worry on his face it’s there and gone so fast it might have only been imagined. “I figured when you woke up you’d want some of your own clothes and things.”

_ Gods,  _ she thinks _.  _ This is....this is such a turn around from the withdrawn, sullen man she'd ended up walking away from. This man, this man right here, this was the man she'd married. And suddenly her failings and her mistakes don’t mean much in the face of his extraordinary courage and patience and forgiveness.

"You did?" she asks, already knowing damn well that of  _ course _ he did. "I mean, it'd be nice to sleep in pajamas rather than this paper gown but..."

“But then… I changed my mind. Instead of just getting you a few things for the hospital, I did… well, I did a little bit more.

“I moved your things home,” he confirms quietly. “And mine.”

He takes that leap of faith. The leap  _ into _ faith. Faith in Lup. Faith in the two of them.

Her eyes slowly go wide.

Then she points at Taako and Davenport with one imperious finger.

"Out! Out, out, nice to see you Cap'n, the balloons are rad but out, out, **_out!_ ** "

Taako and Davenport do as they’re told without complaint, and the latter is giggling to himself.

She stares at Barry, eyes still wide, and then those eyes start to fill with tears. Not falling yet, but definitely not dry either.

"You mean it?"

She sounds so small, so worried, so fragile. She's been working so long on trying to get herself in a good place, mental health wise, but even still, she never dreamed this day would come.

“If you’re not ready, it’s okay. But whenever you want. Yes. Absolutely.”

"I'm ready."

She says it immediately, and then finally those tears spill.

"I've been ready since the day after you told me you were going with Cap'nport. I've been waiting because I didn't want us to....ugh, bullshit reasons, I'm a ding-dong, we've established this. I'm ready!"

“Lup, I thought I was ready. I thought I was waiting for you. That wasn’t fair. I may have stopped actively digging the hole to throw myself in but I was still watching it get bigger and not trying to … wait, this metaphor sucks.

“I quit drinking. I stopped chasing our friends away. I… stopped torturing you. But I didn’t let anyone in, didn’t let anyone help, didn’t even listen to  _ you, _ the person I most wanted to hear.

“I was upset you didn’t let me try to help you but… Lup, I did the exact same thing.”

Barry places a hand on the rail of her hospital bed and kneels on the floor beside it. “Lup,” he begins, taking her hand, “I want to apologize for all the pain I put you through and beg your forgiveness. I can’t promise I’ll never fuck up again but if I do, I want to fix it  _ with _ you.

“I love you, Lup. I never stopped loving you, ever. But I think I forgot how to do it  _ kindly. _ I was throwing it at you like a blanket, suffocating you with it, forgetting it was something we built together for both of us.”

She takes in a breath, and feels her stomach ache again, and puts an unconscious hand over the spot she'd been stabbed. Ow. Okay, no sobbing, no getting emotional.

So the tears are slow and quiet and just slide down her face without any accompanying deep, gasping breaths. It is all she can do. She grabs on to his hand and holds on for dear life.

"Gods, Barry... _ fuck _ . You're stealing my lines, Bluejeans. That's what  _ I'M _ supposed to be saying to you. I was so upset with myself, and then watching you start eating away at yourself too, and I tried to talk but my own self-loathing was coloring it and...oh, Gods, Barry. I've been working so hard, I wanted to make you proud of me. That you'd see me working to clean up my messes and be worthy of your love again."

“Oh, Lup, how could you ever think that? Nope, nevermind, strike that. You felt it. And I’m gonna work hard to make sure you never feel that way again.

“Lup, we  _ know _ we’re stronger together. We literally anchored our fucking  _ souls _ in that fact. Let’s not ever forget again, okay?

“And, love? Please. Come home with me.”

She can't speak for a moment, overwhelmed by emotion. She closes her eyes, making more tears drop down her face...

And then she nods quickly, her head bouncing up and down like an eager child who's been told Candlenights has come early. He’s right, they'd literally turned their souls into pure magical energy, anchored in their love. (Gods, they were both so lucky neither of them had liched out during this last year and a half. It probably would have destroyed them.)

"Yes. Yes, I'll come home with you."

Barry stands up so that he can gently -  _ oh so fucking gently _ \- but thoroughly kiss his wife. His hand is still held tightly with hers and he doesn’t let go. 

And they  _ keep _ not letting go.


	52. Chapter 52

_[Six Months Later. On Barry's side of the bed is a small nightstand, holding his glasses, a lamp, and a pristine white envelope with his name on it. The letter inside reads as follows.]_

Dearest Barry,

I love you. With every ounce of my being, from my body to my mind to my soul, I love you. There aren't enough words in this or any other plane to really describe it, I think. I'd start making some up, but then I'd just look silly and destroy the whole purpose of this note.

Two years ago, I walked away from what I thought was a toxic relationship. I thought that my mistakes had poisoned you, and that by being around you, I was destroying you. It took me a lot of very hard work with a very kind Tiefling to understand that wasn't the case at all. But in doing that, I walked away from you, when I promised you sixty plus years ago that wouldn't happen.

Sometimes I still feel like I have to make it all up to you. Our stolen century. The decade of pain and loneliness. A year and a half of misery and separation and estrangement. And then I remember that, no. That's not what we're building here. This isn't transactional, about who does what for who. I did let myself forget that love isn't about what's owed or taken. It's about what's given freely and shared.

I love you, Barry Bluejeans. I will love you to the astral plane and beyond. Entropy may eventually be the end of all things, but I have a feeling my love might even give that a good kick in the pants. Happy Saturday, there's waffles downstairs when you wake up and read this.

Lup. 

Oh, uh, PS...I'm pregnant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to hear the authors ~~read~~ perform this as a podfic, please check out our recording of the performance we did on the TAZ Live Readings discord server here: 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497904
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and an enormous thank you if you commented. Your time and interest is appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> No matter the age of the fic, comments are always loved and appreciated!!


End file.
